That's What She Said
by rollwithbutter
Summary: Archery is kind of pervy. In an Elf vs. Dwarf verbal standoff, can Kili measure up? Pure foolishness. I'm gonna rate this 'T' for tons of crude innuendos, although there's no actual sexual activity of any sort. Sorry, Kili! (And fangirls & guys) One-shot, Complete.


**AN: For anyone not archery inclined, let me preface this with a 'short' (nyuk, nyuk, you'll get that later) anatomy lesson. **

**An arrow is made up of a nock at one end, which holds it in place on the bowstring, a point, or head, at the other, and the fletching, which is the feathers near the nock that help it to fly straight. Interestingly enough, the feather that sticks out away from the bow when the arrow is nocked is called the 'cock' feather. **

**All of these parts can be found at various points along the... shaft. That's right. The shaft is cut to different lengths depending on the bow being used and the archer's draw, which is how far back they pull based on arm length and to some extent, strength. When you shoot, it's called a 'release'. Also, a hind is a female deer. Now take your new-found knowledge and go enjoy the workings of my dirty mind.**

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The vile she-Elf was taking the company to Thranduil in Mirkwood. Thorin Oakenshield's eyes bored into her back as she rode before them, and if looks could kill, Tauriel of the Mirkwood Elven guard, would have dropped stone dead from her saddle.

Another set of Dwarven eyes studied the tall, proud back, but it was with more curiosity than malice. Not that Kili was at all pleased that she had bound them, stripped them of their weapons, and was now forcing them on this long, tedious march as her captives. No, he bore her a considerable grudge for these indignities; but his resentment couldn't quite quell his natural curiosity, as this was the closest that he had ever come to Elven-made bows and arrows. All of the Mirkwood guards carried the same Silvan weapons, but Tauriel's were especially well made. Their impeccable workmanship roused Kili's deep professional interest.

"I like a recurve, myself." he ventured, amiably addressing Tauriel's backside. Thorin turned an incredulous eye on his nephew, plainly warning him to shut up.

Tauriel spared Kili a quarter turn of her head, enough for him to make out an amused twitch on her finely shaped lips. He rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. It was odd to be missing his quiver and bow. He had worn them for so long on this journey that he felt naked without them, especially under Tauriel's measuring gaze.

"Hm. I prefer straight and long." she said. She returned to her previous activity of studiously ignoring her captives.

Kili was oddly affronted. "There's nothin' wrong with a bit of curve," he grumbled. He lifted his wrists to gnaw at the chafing bindings and received a poke in the ribs from an androgynous guard for his trouble.

Fili was ambling along in front of his brother, trussed up in a similar fashion. He was sporting a freshly blackened eye and glaring fixedly at the guard, who carried an armful of the company's confiscated weapons. The guard glided past him with his nose in the air. With expert timing, Fili stuck out his foot. He was rewarded by a loud clattering of blades and a winded "Oomph!" as the elf sailed gracefully through the air before landing in a tangle among the sprawling roots of an ash. Thorin actually sniggered as the mortified Elf tugged his flowing tunic down from over his head.

"Oi! Careful with those, you clumsy git!" Kili cried as he saw his arrows spill out of his fallen quiver and out across the damp ground. "Cursed elves..."

Tauriel cast him a dark look as she turned her horse back to investigate the commotion. Fatwat, the disgraced guard, was scrambling about trying to gather up the weapons. She noticed several of the captive Dwarves eyeing the fallen arms speculatively, and Fili in particular was smirking and edging closer to one of his blades. There was a dagger at his throat before he took a second step.

"Back in line, Dwarf."

Fili scowled, but dropped back.

Kili was still fretting over the treatment of his arrows, wincing as one was almost stepped on by an Elven mount. Tauriel heard him hiss as a hoof came down so close that it ripped off a feather from the end. Perhaps it was some sense of professional courtesy that made her decide to rescue them from their peril and deposit them safely into Kili's empty quiver.

She strolled over to him. Thorin and Fili were wary, but in Kili's artless face there was a faint trace of gratitude. She studied his equipment and slid one arrow through her long, slender fingers. "I could never release such a short shaft. And this head! The diameter is hardly great enough to properly stick a hind!"

Kili's mouth dropped open and he sputtered indignantly. "My shaft is _not_ short! By Dwarven standards, it's one of the largest ever made! And I've stuck _plenty_ of hinds with it, I'll have you know!" Beside him, Fili shifted uncomfortably.

Tauriel shrugged, dismissing his claims. "Still, it's not long enough for my deep draw length. I take a shaft of thirty inches, at least. Anything less than that would fall right out."

Fili thought that he might die.

Irritated, Kili jerked his chin towards the Elf's slender longbow. "What would you know about it, that twig is little more than a woman's plaything."

Tauriel bristled and angrily snapped Kili's arrow over her knee. He winced, and she threw the broken pieces to the ground at his feet. "With puny little shafts such as these, is it any wonder that I prefer my own 'plaything', as you put it?" She stormed away, back to her mount.

Kili stooped to pick up the broken arrow with a forlorn look. The fletching was ripped and the cock feather dangled limply. He pulled at it despondently, then yelped as the end of a bow came down on his hands.

"Stop touching that!" Tauriel spat, knocking the shaft from his open palm.

Kili's flushed deeply, a little confused. There was an undercurrent here that he just wasn't picking up on. Fili didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and compromised by doing both.

Thorin groaned at the indignity that had been wrought upon the Durin line.

How he _hated_ Elves.

**FINISH**

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**I hope I didn't just lose a bunch of subscribers with this one. I get foolish sometimes, though. ;)**


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